i saw you again. first, i saw your brother, with reddish-brown hair, smiling nervously at me as always. he was playing ping-pong or something like that. and your parents were there, pretending that nothing was wrong like they always do, hovering and clearly upset, though trying hard to not show it.
then there you were, sitting by a lake. i smiled and said hi, and i expected you to give your uncomfortable smile and say hi quickly before you turn. your parents had, and so had your brother, though he secretly wished that we could be normal again so that he could be normal again. i smiled, i guess because i knew there was nothing else to do. you didn’t make me cry anymore, i guess I had gotten over you. you were just something i had to deal with periodically.
but, this time, you acted differently. you glared at me, crossing your arms. then you threw your shoe at me. your parents gasped, and so did i. i was confused. then you said, “i don’t like her anymore, remember?” this wasn’t normal. you never acted like this. but today you did. you acted likr you hated me. i can still see your flipflop flying through the air. i know you don’t like me, but you always tried to hide it. i don’t know why or for who’s sake. maybe for the sake of suppressing memories of me. or of us.
i took a message from your brother for my brother, remembering that they used to be the best of friends. i wanted to hug him so bad as i used too, but i thought he probably doesn’t want me to. all he wanted to say to my brother was hi. your parents stood over us, probably trying to keep me from corrupting him. i know they believed everything you had said to them about me.
then your cousin was there. your amazing little cousin, who i once considered my cousin, and who i still have hope for. i don’t blame her. she was walking with me, silently, and i could tell she was confused. I reached out to hug her like I always do and stopped halfway through. a pained expression on my face, i realized she probably doesn’t like me either. she looked at me, still upset. i was on the verge of tears. “i love you,” i said to her. “i love you, too,” she said, giving me a half hug so unlike the cousin i remember.
i climbed in the car of my new best friend, trying not to cry. but i did anyway. i sobbed in the arms of my new best friend- not the one i considered my cousin, not the one who dreamed of becoming a missionary with me, not the one who i had known since i was two, but the one who didn’t leave me, the one who didn’t lie about me, the one who cared about me. i told her everything as her mom drove us away. how i wanted to hug them so bad, how you had acted so wrong.
then i woke up from the nightmare. i never really was asleep. you visit me all the time in my dreams- sometimes before our breakup, and i wake up crying, realizing we’ll never be like that again. sometimes after, and i either ignore you, smile, or, rarely, tell you off, but i wake up and forget it throughout the day. i reviewed the dream in my head, thinking that i had never met my new best friend before, and wondering if i’ll ever meet her. i went back to sleep, trying not to let the dream rattle me.
but it did.
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100% real. This girl is my ex-best friend. We made some mistakes, then when I confessed, she lied about me, defaming my character, and drew it our over a month before her parents told us to never contact them again. Before we pretended to be twins, dreamed of moving to Africa together, planned our college life together, would pack the other's bag whenever we visited, trying to convince our parents to let us stay the night, we played Orphanage and had a whole program, we talked about famous missionaries and everything that was wrong with the world... then, once I moved to her town, I realized she had changed. I'm pretty much over her now, but that first month or so I was a wreck; crying all the time, wallowing in sadness and guilt, losing sleep, wondering if I had stopped at the party if things would be different, second-guessing everything I had ever done, and I have anxiety sometimes because I don't want my parents to think I'll go down the path she's on. But, now I usually only think about her in dreams. I'm kinda glad that we just moved apart, because she was slowly becoming not-my-friend, and I would've been in a really bad relationship, I think if I stayed with her. It was more of I was her best friend. But, I've grown a lot from this experience, and I've relearned God's forgiveness and love. There's no way I would be the person I am now if I hadn't lost her. I lost my best friend, but I gained a completely new relationship with God.
Welp, this got really personal, but I hope you like it.
(Lower case intentional)
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